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Snooping Girlfriend and the Cheating Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
I’ll get right to the point: I have major trust issues with my boyfriend of a year.

He has given me reason to distrust but we are working on it. He is a great guy but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something.

Last night i snooped on his phone while he was asleep. I feel horrible about it but what I feel worse about is what i found. He was texting an old friend with a flirtatious “thinking of you” at 2:00am! I know of this friend and she supposedly knows of me. Her reply was simply, “thanks, i love you, i miss you.”

This broke my heart because I didn’t know what to think. There is every possibility that it could be friendly and every possibility that it could not. She lives in another city and I’m wondering if he has feelings for her but since she is gone, he doesn’t act on it.

I do not live with him but we are constantly together so I know there is no actual cheating, just unfaithfulness. I want to confront him real bad but I’m afraid to tell him I snooped. How should I do it? Should I do it at all? Am I over reacting? How can I make him see and understand how I feel without sounding like a crazy jealous, insecure girlfriend? thanks Rob.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
If you want to ruin the situation you tell him from a cold start. But….

If you want him to come clean to you about what this girl means to him, ask him straight out, but like this “You know, I had a dream the other night and we were getting married and that girl you used to date showed up and you left with her. I was stranded at the altar. Are you hiding something from me?”
Just like that. Weird but to the point.

And let me tell you, if you have trust issues after 12 months of dating, there is more going on here that you talk about.

He’s hiding something, you just don’t know what. And you’re lying to yourself about what it might be, making excuses for him to yourself.

I hate to say “end the relationship” but give yourself a break… 12 months of dating and he’s communicating like that with his ex? He’s cheating on you, or at least he is “wishing” he was cheating on you. Because you’re together “every day” you give him no choice but to stay with you, but he doesn’t want you. Not totally.

You have to face up to this fact: he’s just with you until someone else comes along.

Start having a life that doesn’t include him. Be ”busy” once in a while, watch how fast he dumps you.

This will be a great test of your relationship: will he still date you if you aren’t “conveniently around” all the time?

Test him and act according to the results.
You need to know.
Best wishes,
Rob