Tag Archives: jerk

Getting Her Interest And Failing To Close

Hi Rob,
Some months ago I got dumped by my girlfriend (we were closed to getting married after five years of living together) for a skinny ugly but rich and charming man twice my age. I was devastated for the months that followed, but when I started visiting your home page and read lots of your advice, I started to feel much better about my predicament. In fact my whole way of thinking (which was rather narrow and stereotypical I hate to admit) changed due to your advice.

I have now fully gained back my confidence and self esteem to the point where I can almost date any women I like. Almost being the key word here…….. I have fallen in love, and deeply I must say, to a cute girl from my job at a big time luxury hotel.
I have showed her how much I like her by courting her with quite some ways e.g. joke/innuendo/compliment/tease combos, body language, etc. After a few days of the above mentioned behavior which she really seemed to enjoy (she laughed, giggled, and smiled the whole time and generally responded in a very positive way) I gave her my phone number and told her to let me know if she’d like to come to work by car with me, since she lives close to me. Her response was a pause followed by a sly smile and tons of thank you for thinking like that.

I didn’t ask for her phone number since I didn’t want to put any pressure on her, but made a really strong pass on her, and judging from her smiles and responses I was almost sure that a touchdown was imminent. To my surprise she never phoned me, and I have the feeling that she is avoiding me. Whenever she is around me she looks very nervous and anxious about something, ignores me, and doesn’t respond to my courting anymore. All she does is greeting me politely and off she goes. WHAT HAPPENED?

I am 28, ok looking, well educated and have experience with women, but my being in love is clouding my ability to feel what happened!
Did I intimidate her? Did she just play with me? Doesn’t she like me the way I do? I don’t know, Rob, help out please!
Mr. P
P.S. I forgot to mention that I am her supervisor, and her uncle is my boss who by the way really likes me. She’s 25 and pretty so she’s had experience with men.

Hi Mr. P,
Let me tell you a story.

There was this guy that wanted to surf.
He bought books and did a lot of research about surfing. He learned all he could about the sport. Types of boards, locations that are good for surfing. Styles of clothes to wear. Everything surf-related that he could find he read or watched or did.
When he was ready he went and bought the best surf board he could afford.
He headed to the beach, waxed up his board, then went into the ocean and waited for the big wave to take him away.

Mr. P, you are that guy, sitting in the ocean, waiting for the big wave to come and take you away.

You’ve done everything. Except you didn’t go and catch that wave. You’re sitting there, legs dangling in the ocean, waiting for the wave to come and get you.

Mr. P, you’ve flirted, you’ve complimented, you’ve shown your interest. Then, instead of closing the deal and catching the wave, you gave her your number and now you sit, waiting for her to call you.

Big mistake.

She knows that there are a lot of surfers waiting to catch her wave. She doesn’t need to go and get the surfer. She doesn’t need to call you, you need to call her.

It’s really stupid to lay all that groundwork then back off by giving her your number and waiting for her to call. You should have gotten her number, not wussied out and given her your number and waited. You should have gotten her number and asked her for a date.

She looks nervous around you because she shouldn’t have to make the next step. She doesn’t call you for a date, you call her. That’s what she knows. It likely seems to her that all your courting, as you call it, was simply a put-on because you failed to close. And now, every moment you see her, that feeling of lost interest is being reinforced because, continually, you are failing to close.

She likes you, or at least she did, but now she’s losing interest because you backed off at the critical moment of getting her number.

The next time you see her, you get her number and say that you’ll call her later that same night to make a date with her. And leave it at that until you call her.

Your call to her will be short, just a couple of minutes long, to tell her when you’ll pick her up. The date should be no more than two days later. Plan something fun to do, not a dinner or anything like that. Build the momentum of dating by starting with fun things you can do together. Maybe your third date can be a dinner. No pressure, right?

The other thing I’d be concerned about is that you’re in a family business, dating your boss’s niece. Be sure you aren’t going against any company policies by dating another employee, especially one that you supervise. You may want to clarify dating her with her uncle because of this, I don’t know the situation.

Stop waiting for the wave to come and get you, make it happen. Swim out to that wave and make things happen!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Guy’s Ignore Game Times Three

Dear Rob,
There are three men of interest.
Guy #1, is a workmate who I sporadically interact with due to work. He used to draw attention to himself by talking loudly or being animated. We would talk mainly about work related stuff and sometimes joke around. He now, ignores me to such an extreme. He pretends he doesn’t see me though our paths cross.

Guy #2, is a friend who has admitted to others that he finds me attractive. He has dated two of my friends in the past who he has also told that he had liked me. He and I are friends that hang out on occasion and just have a good time. It has never progressed to anything more…for two reasons, I don’t feel an attraction for him and he’s dated two of my friends. He, also, has gone out of his way to ignore me to the point of being rude. He has never actually asked me out; thus, I never had to turn him down. When he’s in a bad mood he’ll ignore me even after I greet him and we make eye contact.

Guy#3, He has hinted at having an attraction for me and has hinted at going to dinner; however, never quite asking. He was doing an athletic event and asked if I could come along to help out. I, of course, agreed. After the event, he kissed me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. After dinner we parted with another kiss. We met up in the evening again for part two of the event, another kiss. The next couple of days were very nice with lots of compliments and attention. Then one day, it stopped. Now, he is acting very odd, as though I make him uncomfortable. He ignores me even when it is obvious he sees me but we train together twice a week and on these days he is flirts with me and puts his hands around my waist.

Sorry for it being so long….what I want to know is what is with the ignoring? Is it something I am doing?
Martha

Hi Martha,
I’m going to start my reply by assuming a couple of things:
I think you’re a great looking girl, probably a 9 or a 10 in the looks department.
I bet you don’t have many successful dates because you don’t put up with insincerity, immaturity and general childishness in guys.
You are turned off by the wussy-type guy that tries too hard to please you, tries too hard to be funny…. the idiotic things that some guys to to get a girl’s interest.
I also bet that you wait for the guy to make the first move on you, asking for dates, suggesting things to do, etc., and half the time you’re too busy with other things to accept the date ideas or take them to heart. You unintentionally shoot the guy own.

If you have the power to intimidate guys, through your good looks or bright attitude, they will pull shy after feeling shot down and start playing the ignore game after just the briefest of encounters.
These wimpy guys are centered on ownership. They want to control and own you and when you can show them that you are your own person they run scared because they don’t know how to deal with a successful, good looking, assertive woman.
They are children dating in an MTV world, not able to work through their feelings or interactions in real life when what they do doesn’t resemble a stupid TV show. These guys haven’t learned the slightest clues about dating and being a man around a woman.

Now then:
Guy #1
This is a guy that practices comedy to attract women and closes up shop when he doesn’t get the responses he wants. He’s a fool. He wants to control but will not break out of the mold of self-importance to accept the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings too, that others sometimes don’t think of him being so important. This is why he now ignores you.
The next time he walks by you say to him “You were funnier when you could talk to me”. And let him fumble his response.
Likely he’ll think of you a bitch, but at least then he’s making a stand for his feelings of you. And you’ll get some closure from this jerk.

Guy #2
He has dated your friends only to get closer to you and try to date you. Now he knows that you’re in a league far above him and he’s playing the hurt puppy knowing that he’ll never have you.
I’d point-blank ask him if he knows of any single guys that might want to date you. His response will confirm what I’ve told you.

Guy #3
He’s too scared to fail with you, so he’s decided not to get his feelings hurt by your possible rejection. Likely you’ve confided in him about the other losers you’ve dated and he saw himself in what you said.

He may be a wuss that doesn’t know how to communicate with women other than trying to buy their friendship and acceptance. This type of guy is deep into the “ownership of commitment” and I’d steer clear of him no matter what. Until he realizes that men and women like the same things, have the same needs and goals in life, he’ll always think that he comes first to the point of trying to control everyone else’s actions in his circle of friends.
I’ll bet that any relationship he’s had in the past ended badly because of his insecure needs and controlling attitudes.

You can verify this by doing a little research and talking to any of his exgirlfriends.
The next time that he flirts with you and puts his hands on your waist, put your hands on his. Pull his hands away and tell him that touching is not permitted.
One of two things will happen next:
He won’t blush or apologize, he’ll get upset is my bet. If he does that he wants to own you and he’ll start by making you apologize for his familiarity in touching you.
If he does blush and apologize, he’s just a scared little boy that doesn’t know how to get past the first date and if you’ve managed to talk to any exgirlfriends I bet that you’ll find out that he moved too fast, held on too tightly and broke up very badly.

He maybe a “clinger” that just wants romance that he can manipulate on his terms only.
Best wishes,
Rob