Tag Archives: move relationship forward

Has She Lost Interest?

Dear Rob,
I’ve been enjoying your advice and think you have some great opinions
to offer so here goes.

A girl started a 7-week internship at my company recently and we hit it off right away. After a couple days of work together, I gave her my phone #, which she thankfully accepted. She didn’t give me hers in return claiming she doesn’t “give her number out to very many people” to which I replied with a shrug and a laugh and said “we’ll see.”

That same week, I invited her to play some tennis after work; she said yes and we ran around for an hour chasing tennis balls, having a great time, and flirting the whole time.

The next week the subject of favorite foods came up. I found out hers is Thai, as is mine, and so I asked her if she wanted to go eat some Thai food. She responded “I’m trying to save money right now,” (she is paying for college credits to work somewhere for free-I still don’t understand how they get away with that-and gearing up for a European vacation) and so of course I offered to buy. She said she didn’t want to do that because she’d feel like “she was taking advantage of me,” and so instead of pushing it I just said OK. That same night, she text messaged me (giving me her phone #) wishing me a great weekend because I was leaving for the weekend the next day, and also saying she thought we should go out for Thai after all.

We went out the next week, had an amazing dinner, found out we have the same or similar values, passions, and center, so to speak, in our lives and it was great. She made it a point, though, to tell me that “this isn’t like you taking me out, you’re not paying for me, I’m here because I want to be here.” I guess you could say she threw me a major curve ball.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The next week, she invited me to ride with her to the town her college is in. She had to go up for an evening to help plan some events for her upcoming graduation. It’s about an hour away from where we work. I have friends up there and she knew this, and so her thought was we could ride up together and while she did her school thing, I could hang out with friends and then we could ride back home together. We had a great ride up, had time for pizza in the park, and then after she was done, she came over and met some of my friends before we left. It was a good night.

The next night, we went to a football game together, got take-out, went back to my house, watched a movie, and flirted the whole time. It was a good night. Other than halfway laying on each other and that sort of thing, it never got physical. Also, the subject of our relationship never came up and I never made a point to bring it up. I thought it was becoming pretty obvious we both liked each other. And, since we work together, I’ve been hesitant to move too fast. I didn’t see her the rest of the weekend because I was at a bachelor party (no strippers or anything like that, just guns, meat, beer, and competition-that sort of bachelor party).

This last week was her 6th week and it was an awkward one. I felt like she was annoyed with me all of the sudden. Where before she would pass by and smile, it was like she was ignoring/avoiding me, going out of her way to not walk past me. We had a dinner and movie at my place scheduled for Wednesday. On the day of, she insisted on inviting another girl we work with to come over too. The girl is here from overseas and doesn’t know anyone and so I’m all about having her over, but all I got from it was “I don’t want to be alone with you.”

I asked her if we could do coffee and talk this morning (we both have the day off from our job together but she works another job in the afternoon). I figure it’s time to be completely honest with her and see where she’s at. She said she was still in bed and wasn’t up to it before work but “if you have something you want to talk about, we’ll find a time.” What should I do? Should I wait and talk after this next week, her last week at my company, is over? Why the change in attitude, especially after initiating the car trip and the dinner? Did I miss my window? I just don’t get it. Let me know what you think man, I’d appreciate your advice. Wow, this is long, sorry about that Bro.
Sincerely,
Confused
P.S. She’s 21 and I’m 24. We both do basically the same thing.

Hi Confused,
The easy answer is that, yes, you missed your window.
She was open to your advances and you didn’t advance far enough.
From what you told me she was playing it slowly, making sure you weren’t a player and her attitude became more serious with you when she took the ride with you to her college, you both did your own things, and shared the ride home again.

After that you should have turned on the heat and gotten serious with her. Now, she may be past what she felt for you, figuring in her head that she imagined everything and you’re not that serious after all.

How to become serious after her starting to lose interest?
That’s a tough question.
The answer is harder.

In your current situation I don’t think that you want to let her get away. Make your move on her last day with your company. Invite her to dinner, make it special. You’ve both shared time together, now it’s time to share some romance.
Simply, this is the way to accomplish setting the scene:
Order a dozen roses to the restaurant where you make the reservations and call the restaurant to expect the delivery and have the flowers on the table before you are seated. She’ll see the roses and know what you’re feelings are, unmistakably.
This will be the “make or break” moment, but I’m sure you’ll pull through, no matter her response.
Best wishes,
Rob

Questioning Friends With Benefits Relationships

Dear Rob,
I read some of the questions about the friends with benefits subject and have one myself.

Mine is a little different. I’ll call him ‘J’. We met around 8 years ago, online, we just started talking and eventually met up and became friends, the first night we hooked up but it didn’t go far. We talked a lot online and the phone, he would come over a lot and we would hook up, watch movies, he’d pass out, since he worked odd hours it would sometimes be at like 4am.

My friends all knew him, some of my family even met him. We would go periods when we wouldn’t hook up a lot and just hang out. If we saw each other out we would be fine talking as if we were friends, it was never odd for us, well at least for me it wasn’t.

Throughout the years we have both dated people, one of mine ended up serious for almost 4 years and we had a child together. After I was with this other guy I stopped talking to J but eventually did get a hold of him, told him about my daughter and stuff and he asked for a picture, I sent it, and got a response that said “she kinda looks like me, you sure it’s his?” It was kind of an odd question but I assured him yes.

We talked during my relationship and when we broke up it started all over again with me and J. He met my daughter, we would go over there and he never acted weird with her or anything.

He has done me numerous favors and anytime I call him he makes himself available to help me. Well not long ago the all time worst fear happened, we got pregnant! We both decided at the time it was not right for either of us, we were both back in school trying to get degrees, I had my daughter to handle, and mutually decided to abort the pregnancy.

He was there the entire time, went to the doctor’s office with me, talked to them about the risks and everything, for such a terrible situation he was as good as he could get! Even after, I assumed things would be different with us, but it wasn’t.

We did not have sex for awhile after, we would talk and fool around, but no sex. Of course eventually it moved on again, and we had sex. My feelings are changing for him, I am not sure how he feels at all, I mean over 8 years, we have never once spoke about that, we talk about other people we have dated and how it doesn’t work out and shit, but never about us. He saw me out once and I was talking to another guy who works with him and he came up behind me and grabbed me to start dancing, I almost took it as a sign of jealousy, but it could have just been coincidence.

I think to myself well if he wanted more wouldn’t he say so? But then again, I have not said a word or hinted to it either, so I am not sure. It’s not like he comes here we jump in bed and that’s it, he plays with the dog, we lay down together and watch tv, he’ll cook for me, we do the whole cuddling thing after, we kiss goodbye, it doesn’t seem like just sex, but I am afraid to say anything, because if he doesn’t want more, I am afraid of loosing him altogether!

I am not insecure, but I think it has just been so long with us this way, it would be weird to have it any other way. I don’t even know how to approach him about it, face to face, I could never do it! But I feel like a coward doing it through an email or anything!

So I guess I need a little advice from someone who doesn’t know us and how we are outside of our friends….what do u think?????
Thanks- Confused

Hi Confused,
I’m not sure exactly what you’re sure of losing here.

You’re seeing a guy, not exclusively, not with any expectations (in his head) and you’re not sure where this will lead?

After 8 years he knows that you’ll be there whenever he wants you!

Despite all best intentions, despite the friendship you have, he’s just not as involved in making the relationship stronger or more committed because he doesn’t have to!!
This is even truer because you don’t ask him!

Now is the time to either shit or get off the pot (to be frank about it).
You need a man in your life that will be a part of your family on a permanent basis. If ‘J’ isn’t the guy now, then you have to decide: him or someone else?

Do you keep things they way they are and hide your unhappiness with the status of your relationship?

Your daughter needs stability, not a part-time-friend-of-mommy’s that comes and goes in her life.

If you’ve gone though one traumatic experience with him (the abortion) and now your inner-self is crying for someone that will love you without conditions attached.

Now is the time to ask him about completing your relationship, making it solid, fulfilling and official through marriage.
If he says no, so be it… move on with your life. Stop letting him use you. You know what you’ll be in for, don’t you?
If he says yes, great, you can start planning a life and a family and a home.

What do you say to him? Be forthright.
“Hi J, I think that it’s time to find out if this semi-relationship is going to get more serious. I want to provide stability and a father for my little girl and I need a man that I can count on full-time to be here with me, married, picket fences, all that.
J, are you this guy?”

But you have to ask.

I honestly feel sorry for the position you now find yourself in.
But now is the time to move forward and live the life you certainly deserve.
Best wishes,
Rob.