Tag Archives: relationship

Dilemma (Need your good advice ASAP)

Hi Rob,
I need your advice about my current situation now, and I’ll be glad if you could give me your insight about my problem. I didn’t wanna ask you about this because I should figure this out on my own I know, but….I am too confused now and don’t know what to do. So please help me.

First of all, I’m a 19 year old Bi girl (nobody knows and I dont intend to come out anytime soon), and I met this girl through my workplace. She’s a 28 year old co-worker from Korea. She is on a working visa thing here in Canada. We became friends quite quickly. Later, we went on a in-town trip together and that time I noticed her physical intimacy towards me. I knew that most Asians have that kind of physical intimacy with their friends so I didn’t find it weird, just I’m not used to that (holding hands thing with a friend) so I rejected to that at first. Actually I didn’t find that suspicious or anything weird so after a while, I just let her hold my hand freely (and I mean actually holding hands, not just arm) After that first trip, we went on another trip again and we actually stayed in a hotel room for one night together. I didnt do anything or was thinking about anything more than a friend to her that time, but when we were already in bed together, just her physical intimacy got more. She was cuddled up with me while her face was very close to my face that I could actually feel and hear her breathing. The next morning I asked her about that and she told me that it was just a habit and so I asked her if she ever did it to someone else or to her room-mate, and she said sometimes (But I knew not really). Actually that time, i already found it suspicious. Her physical intimacy with me is just too much but everytime I asked her about it, she always just say its normal for her and nothing weird. I didnt reject her physical intimacy with me because I actually liked that and I knew she liked that physical intimacy with me as well. But anyways, I wasn’t sure about her orientation.

Time goes by, we became closer and closer, and our physical intimacy developed very quickly and much more. Our relationship was like of a couple, we see each other EVERYDAY, from morning 9-10am till 3am, and then we fight everyday about something small or childish. Just the problem I have was she has a long time boyfriend for about 7 years in Korea…

To make my story a bit shorter… finally, while we were on the bed together after hanging out one night, we became very intimate that finally she ended up kissing me. Things were very fast and led to a more serious and stronger intimacy quickly. Actually, first her plan was to just work here until her work permit Visa expires then she will go back to Korea, but then when we were just “friends” I asked her to stay longer and so she finally made up her mind that she wanna stay here and would get a permanent residency here in Canada. So after many thinking and options, the best way she could find to quickly immigrate here was to go to Quebec and study French (cuz its easier to get residency in Quebec, just you have to pass French) So as our time together is running out, I decided to live with her for the remaining time she had here. We already had fights and discussions about her boyfriend thing and our relationship, but she didn’t clarify to me what exactly our relationship was. I KNEW exactly that we have no future together and that she can’t and would not break up with her long time boyfriend (after all, he is very useful to her and she is very used to him) I knew that. But…. I was wishing I would be more important to her. I was just hoping and praying I could change that. I asked her back then when we were just friends if she ever thought about her boyfriend if she immigrates here and she said to me that he doesnt have any influence on her decision AT ALL. That she doesnt mind him at all. So that time, I thought he’s not that important to her and she doesnt really love him. Isn’t that right?

Anyways, I know she cares about me (even though I don’t wanna think or believe that nowadays) and she likes me too, and as I said, we talked about many things and told me couple of times that if I want to end whatever relationship we have then I could. Before we moved together, we had an argument about the whole boyfriend thing and she told me its better if we don’t move together. And I knew she was right BUT…just I want her, so I did.

Just…. I want her. I already knew what I was getting into, just I thought I could make myself more important to her that she would choose me over her normal life/boyfriend. I wanna keep her no matter what, but I don’t know how now. I want to keep her and I could keep whatever kind of relationship we have now, but… it’s hurting me too much and I can’t take the fact that I’m just….a…..sideline(?) affair(?)… and that I can never have her just to myself and call her solely mine. I deserve better than this kind of relationship but just…I don’t know what love is, just… I want to be with her and next to her as much as possible. I wish we could go back as just being friends, but I can not. I want to keep her and whatever relationship we have now……..but……….I don’t know…………………………… I want to keep her no matter what and I would do anything to make it happen but I don’t know…….

Help me Rob. Could you tell me what you think and what I should do? Help me ASAP 🙁 THANK YOU SO MUCH! Would be looking forward to your reply soon.

Hi Girl in a Dilemma
While I can understand and also feel sad for the loss of relationship you now feel I must also say that you became too dependent on your “girlfriend” and now have your feelings crushed by her and her seemingly callous actions towards you.

She has chosen a life different than yours and the people that we want to share our lives with we must be sure to not try to possess them.

You are hurt because you know, deep down, she does not share with you the things you feel.

She is not yours to keep and really never was. You might be able to remain friends with her, but I don’t think that is what she wants. Her life is different from yours.

You need to stretch your wings and find love from someone that will treat you special, not as a thing to do for a little while.
Good luck,
Rob

Do I Keep My Boyfriend or the Guy I Met Online?

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Husband’s Controlling Behavior: A Success Story

Dear Rob,
I just want to confirm that I am in a controlling relationship.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Dated him for 6 years before getting married, so we’ve been together for 20 years. We met in high school and he had always been a jealous guy. He was jealous of some of my male friends, not all of them. He would choose which ones he didn’t think I should be friends with anymore since I was with him now, especially my ex-boyfriend. He would expect me to ignore or be mean to my ex-boyfriend if we saw him in public somewhere to prove my loyalty to him. If I would go out with friends, he would ask me all kinds of questions like did I meet or dance with any guys.

I accepted all this because I thought we were young and he was just immature and would change as he grew up. So, we got married, had kids and everything was fine because I was home all the time with kids and working. Didn’t have time for anything else.

As the kids got older, I started having more freedom to be able to go out with friends again. It seemed like his jealousy from high school started again. He would call my cell phone at least 20 times while I was out. Or, call my girlfriend’s husband’s to really find out if I was out with the girls.

He did this all in subtle ways. Let me explain: when he called my cell phone several times, he would make excuses for calling, so it wouldn’t seem he was checking on me. Like he would say he couldn’t find something or tell me a friend called and he was giving me a message or wanted to know if I was safe and he was worried. When he called my friend’s husbands he would talk about other things with them and then gradually bring up something like “so, the girls are at so and so tonight, huh”? This way he would find out if I was really with them. He only called my friend’s husbands when I was out. Otherwise, he wasn’t friends with any of them. He would call me this much even when I was at the grocery store. I felt like I was being stalked. I felt creepy like I was being watched and he said he was just being a worried husband and I should be glad that he cares. If I came home late from work, he would call my whole family to find out where I was and make my family seem like I was irresponsible for not checking in with him. I only went to buy milk on the way home. He even had my 4 year daughter catching on to his behavior. She would wait by the door for me to come home from work and check the digital clock if it was after 5:00 and start crying if I was home past 5. He is very subtle in his ways. What I mean by this is he’s not loud or demanding toward me. It’s the things he would say, like “I’m a caring husband”, or maybe you’re clinically depressed and should see a doctor”, or “this is just the way I am, I worry too much”.

There’s a lot more but this is just some of the examples. We have money issues too which I think is part of his controlling nature. When I told him we need counselling, he would tell me to go alone and that I am the one with the problem because I can’t accept him the way he is. He thought my unhappiness was brought on by something medically wrong with me and even made my mother believe it. They both wanted me to go to a doctor to find out why I was feeling the way I am. She thought I was depressed. When I tell him I want to separate, rather than trying to make things work, he would threaten me and say he would keep the kids and that I shouldn’t try to find someone else because no one will accept me with all my kids.

Well, that was 4 years ago. We are divorced now and I am remarried. I never felt so much relief in my life after leaving him. Even though he never hit me or called me names, it’s the jealousy that made me feel creepy towards him. However, I am still feeling so guilty about the fact that my marriage failed and I let my kids down and my oldest (the one that would wait by the door when she was 4) thinks I left because I cheated on him. His whole family believes that even though I met my new husband after all this. I need to find a way to get over my guilt for getting a divorce. He makes me feel sorry for him for leaving. Is my guilt the result of staying in a controlling relationship for too long? I started to believe what I’ve been told all these years?

Thanks in advance for any encouragement you can give,
Ruth

Hi Ruth,
Yes, he was controlling you. His subtle ways became more obvious over time to you.
His jealousy and insecurity that you were too good for him led him to a level of jealousy that has it’s only output as control of the person you are with.
Control of where you are, who you are with, who you are allowed to speak with and even be friends with. Control of money, spending and even gift buying.

I am happy that you had the courage to endure and face the reality of your situation and end the abuse you suffered from your teen years until now. You have no reason to feel guilty about the divorce or how he tricked your family into believing the worse of you. That was all part of his control. His abuse. His uncontrolled jealousy.
You didn’t let anyone down, you did the best you could under the most difficult of situations.

I hope that your letter will bring encouragement to many other women out there in similar situations of abuse.
Thanks for writing me!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Am I Ready For This Instant Family?

Dear Rob,
My girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me and her excuse is that she needs me to grow up and start acting like an adult. Let me start from the beginning.

We met off myspace and talked from Dec 4th to Jan 3rd. Jan 4th was our first date and things got really sexual really fast in the car like teenagers.

Met at the Lowes just to “meet” and kissed and hugged each other. I had lost my car in a accident so I was borrowing a friends and couldn’t see each other like regular people and had to take what we could get.

Anyway, she invites me over to her mom’s house where she lives with her then 4 month old son. We had sex. For a month and a half it was great. Then my mom finds out she is mixed. (Half white and half black) and I’m Italian. She opposes it and yells at me. I sit and think does my girlfriend really need this unnecessary drama?

After Valentines it was easier to say this is my “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” when introduced so we just went with it and agreed.

Back to the mom thing. So, I make up this big lie to my girlfriend and say I talked to my ex-girlfriend about something VERY VERY intimate and she flips and wants to break up with me like I had planned because I wanted her to think I was the bad guy. I tell her the truth 2-3 days later after some friends say to “tell her the truth!”

We go from that then a month later she invites me over and we sit on the bed for 45 minutes without saying a word. I go to sleep with my clothes on and back turned to her. She does the same. I try to put my arm on her for 5 different times that night and she throws it off of her. I wake up for work and say F–k this stuff, I’ve had it! I get all my stuff together set it in a pile at the bottom of the bed. I wake her up to let me out and she waits by the door. I usually kiss her and all that stuff but I just said I’ll be back to pick my stuff up later today. She does a head shake and is like HUH! and surprised.

Then she asks if anything is wrong, I think I over reacted and say no. I’ll be back tonight if you want, kiss her and say the good things. She puts the clothes and my weirdness that morning together and calls me crying and what not. We go thru that and find out we need COMMUNICATION. We make a rule, if we have a big drama fest like this again it’s time to call it a day with us. A month passes and bam, in 3 weeks she changes. 2 calls a day to 1 call a day and no more I miss you’s and then stops inviting me over. We break up Monday and says ” If you grow up I will take you back. I won’t date anybody and just want you. I will miss you more then you know and you are my perfect guy. Please grow up and come back to me. Call me please”
I cry and we end it. I then ask her if she really meant it and she said yes. I say give me 2-3 months and I can do it. She says not enough time. Should I believe her or what? I don’t know if I should do what she ask or just move on.
HELP ME PLEASE!
Ready or Not

Hi Ready or Not,
You didn’t tell me your age but I can guess that you’re both under 30.

What I do know:
You met after an “online romance” went face-to-face and had sex;

She is in a highly emotional state because she has a new baby, she has a ex-boyfriend that is not in the picture anymore;

The both of you live with your mom’s, if not both parents;

You are immature in not understanding the “unique” situation she is in, with baby and all.

She does not have time to wait for you to decide to become an “instant dad”. And I don’t blame her…

This is a tough situation for all involved, both of your parents included.

My gut says, back off, you’re not ready for ALL of this responsibility. Life with this girl is a lot more that boyfriend-girlfriend issues, there is a whole family, make that three families, involved.

If you were living on your own, if you have a responsible job, a life that is moving forward, I would tell you to keep going after her.
This is not the case, is it?

You do have a decision to make:
Job, Own Place, Life with GF and adopted kid, OR
A Life of your own.

And I agree with her, you’re just not ready yet, choose your own life right now, not to be a part of hers, you’re just not ready dude!
Best wishes,
Rob.

The Pastor’s Daughter’s Dating Life

Dear Rob,
Ok I feel kinda silly doing this but I have no other choice.

I am 20 years old and for some odd and weird reason I have fallen for a younger guy, (he will turn 18 in Nov.) that goes to my church. I am the pastor’s daughter.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s his age, past, or because I’m the pastor’s daughter but he has me so confused. We’ve spent a whole lot of time together since April and our friendship has grown. We haven’t been on any dates, the only time we have been able to talk is at church and we do write to each other constantly.

I started liking him first and then I could tell that he liked me too. He finally told me he likes me and our friendship or relationship… whatever you can call it has been great for the most part. We have had some misunderstandings but we’ve gone past them mostly because I was the one to bring them up. He has clearly told me that I have “control of the deck” I am always leading the conversations and he pretty much just goes from there… he doesn’t open up to me at all even though I’ve made the effort to open up to him. His age doesn’t bother me but his actions do.

He and I are really compatible. We get along so great. I do know that his past bothers him a lot and he has told me that I would be “disappointed”. He has expressed how he feels at times but that’s pretty much it. I do let him know that I am here for him.

We talk as much as we can and I know he does like me a lot. He seems distant many times but always does something to let me know he wants to talk to me or be around me, he flirts with me a lot too. I’m crazy for this guy so what I want to know is if he really does like me for who I am. He never compliments me and ever since he told me he likes me he hasn’t really mentioned it again. I just think he is afraid to do or say the wrong things so he just chooses not to say anything to hurt me. I also don’t want to take advantage of him and his situation. I don’t want him to think that since I’m there for him that he has to like me, I want him to like me for me and not because he feels obligated to. Can you give me any advice on this situation?? If you need more info… trust me I can give it.
Thanx in advance,
silly 20 year old

Hi Silly,
Not only is your “friend” distant but he’s immature as far as having any type of relationship with a woman.

He is masking his need to control people by his seeming complacency in your interactions, i.e. he doesn’t lead the conversation he only agrees with what you’re talking about and continues talking along those lines.

It’s not matter of you “being there” for him. He isn’t looking for someone to lean on, he’s too into himself to be worried about other people, and how their actions relate to him.

I’d bet that he has a whole other life outside of church, one that you aren’t aware of.

He doesn’t compliment you not out of shyness but because it just doesn’t occur to him to say anything like that.

Even the pastor’s daughter deserves to have a dating life, but I don’t think this is the guy you should be seeing.
Best wishes,
Rob.