Tag Archives: relationship

Am I A “Friend With Benefits” Or Dating This Guy?

Hi Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we’ll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was “I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you.” What’s that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don’t pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m not pushy with it but I need a man’s advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won’t change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn’t even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have ‘friends with benefits’ are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what’s going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it’s the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he’s practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Meeting For The First Time

Hi Rob,
I was wondering if I could have the chance to ask your advise?

I met this guy online about 5 months ago and he lives in Cairo, Egypt. Everyday for the past 5 months we talk faithfully online with Instant Messaging and we both have web cameras so we see each other, and we talk on the phone and also send letters to each other. I have met his parents and 2 brothers and sister-in-law, and niece, and I chat with them too.

Ok, my question to you is, I know that him and I come from 2 different worlds, which includes culture and religion. We have talked about this before and I don’t have any problems with this, I really think that I love him in my heart, and that he is my soul mate. I want to fly to Egypt in February or March 2007, and we want to get married. Do you think that I would be a fool to do this?? Or should I just go with what my heart feels?

I would appreciate your advise or opinion.
Thank you
Carol

Hi Carol,
Making such life changing decisions before you actually meet this guy in his world, in his lifestyle, is a mistake. You’ll be rushing love before you been know how he smells. Whether he chews his food with his mouth open. If he showers daily.

You need to do a lot of background research on his culture and religion and how women fit into this life you are possibly joining.
You need to know how you will be supported, if you will be needing to work.
You need to know if you will remain living where he is or you will return ‘home’ at some point.

If you do go and meet him face to face, and by all means do, keep the visit short, 7 days at the most. Have a hotel booked. Stay there yourself.
DO NOT go and be dependent upon him for travel, food, accommodations.
If he wants you to stay with him you will be dependent on him and things could easily turn bad.
Keep your passport in the hotel safe.
Be sure you have family and friends that you have told what is happening, that you will call at prearranged times during your visit.

Be careful and truth that he is the love you think he is.
But be prudent and have an escape plan if things don’t turn out.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Uncommitted Relationships

Dear Rob,
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years that for many reasons I ended up taking for granted. Most of all I had certain traditional ideas in my head about what sort of man I “should be” with and he didn’t quite fit this model.

We were close, spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, however for the past few months I began to pull away and would avoid answering questions about where the relationship was going and where things stood because of residual issues that had begun to plague me re a past 7-year relationship. I had begun to feel terrible guilt about the way I ended that relationship and jumped straight into this one.

Despite these issues I was completely devastated when recently I discovered my guy had a drunken one night stand with a female ‘friend’. We had just enjoyed a happy week together.

He came clean and after a few days we talked and he said he was desperately sorry and that although it wasn’t an excuse he had felt frustrated and unhappy about that state of things for a long time – he wanted a commitment. I then opened up about how I’d been dealing with some residual issues from my past relationship (which he had suspected) and we talked openly for the first time in ages. I told him I had been in contact with my ex, but that it had been completely platonic.

This situation has made me realise how much I need to leave issues from my past relationship behind and how I would like a truly committed relationship with this man who I love.

If we truly love each other and decide that we both want a committed, faithful relationship with each other we can move forward to a fresh beginning?
Many thanks
Denise

Hi Denise,
Yes you can move forward to a committed relationship, but:
You both need to get personal relationship counseling.

I think that it’s great that you can both accept who you are and now take responsibilities for the things you have done, to yourselves and others.
But you are not too dependent and open enough to say that these issues (your ex, his cheating) won’t pop up again, and soon, and be the deal breakers that they are.
Head off the trouble that is coming your way and start seeing a professional counselor now. Find one today.

There can be no real ‘fresh beginning’ until the past is finally put to rest, for the both of you.

You are not committed, you’ve been in contact with your ex (of 7 years) to find out where things went wrong. Well, my dear, things went wrong when you played at commitment but could not get married to this man you spent so much time with. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and you refused, or felt ‘not ready’ for him. You avoided commitment then and you are avoiding commitment now, your current boyfriend (of 2 years) is allowing that fear to be his reason for cheating. Drunk or not (although I don’t think ‘drunk’ is a valid excuse at all!) his actions have been reprehensible.

If you want to make these adult relationships work, and you’re serious with someone, marriage should be on the tips of each of your tongues after the first 6 months of dating exclusively. For you, not so much. I have to think that you have some fears that hold you back. And your current boyfriend is just ‘along for the ride’ with you. But when the marriage train pulls in, he’s off to new encounters.

You didn’t say that you have any kids. I certainly hope not. Children need parents, two of them, a mother and a father that is committed to raising them right, in a safe home.
Maybe this is why? Are you running away from ‘settling down’?

I want you to start by reading a book that is available from the front page of my website “Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. It’s a real page turner and is an excellent read for people in relationship trouble that they alone caused. I do believe that you created this situation, this unhappiness with your current partner because, not of past unresolved issues, but because you cannot allow yourself to be happy now.

I want you to be happy.
Read the book, get couples counseling, move your life forward to the committed relationship you truly desire.
Best wishes,
Rob.