Tag Archives: selfish husband

The Uncaring, Selfish Husband

Dear Rob,
My husband and I are married for 2 years and 2 months now. We were in love for 4 years before being married.

My parents opposed the marriage and fought against it until it happened.

We have a group of common friends that I like so much. The problem is that my husband is very selfish, he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it without considering me or thinking of our little daughter.

We do not have much of a private life, we have to spend all our spare time with our group of friends. I can not plan to go out anywhere if they are not coming. Thursdays are sacred for them.

I can not go to the cinema if they did not feel like it. My husband does not like going to a restaurant with me to even have lunch. The only common thing that we share is going to the pool. That is all.

I might like to do some things in the weekend but I have to either go by myself or take some of my friends but never to bother him because he will not do anything for me.

If I want to spend any time with him then I will have to do it his way or find my own way to entertain myself alone. He has no concern to do anything even for one hour just for me. In all the occasions, it’s the same to him: birthdays, Valentine’s Day, marriage anniversary means nothing to him.

He does not want to exchange presents and he does not want to go out even though he knows that this matters to me so much. I have to accommodate myself always on his likes & dislikes but mine are my own problems. He does allow anyone to tell him what to do, he chooses what he will do according to his mood. If I want something I have to do it and not bother him.

I hope I explained my problem. I want to find a solution. I love him but still I can not bear this kind of attitude anymore.

I began to be not wanting to share anything with our friends. If I do not want to (sometimes before I used to go not because I want to but because I have to share with him something). I began to feel not wanting to share anything with him if he does not want to share anything with me. I am not over demanding I demand a little and on long intervals other than that we do all what he likes and even this is not appreciated by him.
Thanks in advance,
Mary-Jane

Hi Mary-Jane,
Now is the time for you to confront him about being inconsiderate of you and his bad behavior.

Sit him down and tell him openly how he makes you feel. That he is not being fair or nice to you. A marriage is a partnership, not a place for a husband to think only of himself.

And, the next time that be talks badly of you in front of you and his friends, you immediately do this:
Repeat what he said, and say “I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife” and wait for his reply.
Whenever he says something mean, hurtful or selfish use a variation of that phrase:
“I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d wouldn’t think about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d make me do this all by myself, your loving wife”

If you continue to let him mistreat you, you’ll have to live with it for the rest of your marriage.

If you stand up for yourself, eventually he will understand that he cannot treat you so badly.

Guys like this usually were overly doted on by their mothers or older siblings. They were always allowed to do what they want, the consequences of their actions never being made apparent to them or having to apologize for thinking only of themselves. Changing this behavior requires calm, thoughtful confrontation.
Never become angry.
Don’t cry.

Remain calm when you talk to him about his behavior, don’t let him turn the fault of his behavior onto yourself (a sign of controlling behavior).

And when he’s being mean in front of his friends towards you, repeat what he said and ask him, in front of his friends, why he’d say such a hurtful thing.

To rein in a poorly behaving, selfish husband, you have to make the rules of your marriage, friendship and relationship clear to him. You need to be calm and not back down from talking to him about his continuing to hurt you emotionally by his actions and words.

You may also want to talk to his parents and older siblings about his behavior. How they dealt with it, why maybe he acts this way. A little insight can go a long way.

If you can start counseling as well, this will help you to understand how to deal with these husband troubles. Go alone if he won’t join you.

You’ll become a better person, a stronger wife, for doing these things.
Best wishes,
Rob.

The Selfish Husband

Hi Rob,
I have a question. I am a married woman… married for 3.5 years, and my husband and I are like no other married couple. We have sex about once every 2 months. (and I am the type that LOVES sex.. lots of sex lots of ways).

My husband is more conservative. I feel that sex is a huge part of a marriage, or any real relationship for that matter. We have talked about our lack of intimacy and we make lots of promises that are not met, (both of us, not just him). I lack daily compassion, apparently. He wants me to hug on him and be excited to see him everyday and give him lots of kisses, (he doesn’t do this stuff very often, mind you.
But he wants me to. To be honest, I HATE the way he kisses. Mouth WAY to far open.. open so far it blocks my nostrils. He also breathes through his mouth while doing this. What type of person would want to kiss someone like that. My problem is, we are married.

I do not desire a divorce. We have 2 kids, 2 cars and a new beautiful home and it would be a huge hassle I think to divorce. But I can’t live like this. I have only told you the tip of the iceberg…

My question is, how do you deal with something like this? And how do you tell a sensitive man that feels that he is a good kisser, that he is a bad kisser? A horrible kisser! Help please!!
Chris

Hi Chris,
It’s a fact that marriage does not mean you have great communication. You are not instantly the ‘best lover’ simply because you’re married.

You need to be open, communicate, show affection and be reasonable about the demands that you place on each other.

You cannot ask without giving and this is applicable in marriage, the bedroom, in all facets of our daily lives. There is no room for selfishness.

Since you have attempted to open these lines of communication by talking about what you feel are shortcomings on your husband’s part and you realize where your own shortcomings are, I’d suggest looking to get some tips on opening communication through other ways.

Get some “love cards” that are notes you can leave each other every day or two.
Get some adult games that allow you to be instructed on what to do in the bedroom.

And, most of all, be honest with your husband. If you don’t like his kisses, teach him how you want to be kissed. If he’s so self-conscious about being told what to do, sexually, you’re in for a long haul and counseling should be started ASAP. If he won’t go, you need to start alone. But I hope that he’s willing to learn, for your sake and his.

Guys that want to make their partners happy are willing to learn what it takes. Guys that are selfish aren’t willing to accept that they don’t pleasure their women and they should be left alone. Cut off from sex until they can accept that what they do isn’t what you want, sexually.

Showing affection on a daily basis should not be a hardship. A hug, an “I love you”, a special treat purchased for your partner when you go shopping… all of these are small tokens of affection that go a long way in keeping love alive.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Selfish Husband Needs Help

Dear Rob,
This might be a new one for you. My wife and I been married for 12 years and since the beginning of the marriage I realize now that I’ve been a selfish @$$hole. I can’t explain why, but I thinks it’s the fact when I was younger I did what I wanted to do. My parents were very thoughtful and gave me a lot. Which might of been the first mistake because I was an unappreciated kid (I expected everything).

My question is, now that my marriage is going south, what do I do to control this behavior and be more thoughtful of my wife and the great person she is? She’s a great mother, a great wife and a dear friend to a lot of people. I want to be the great husband she’s looking for and provide for the family and stop partying like I’m a rock star but I don’t know where to start. Can you help?
Regards,
Hard Place

Hi Hard Place,
You’re right, a guy emailing me saying “I have a problem that you’ve already identified and need help with” is a new one for me.

OK, you’re a selfish guy. I’m going to throw you for a loop here:
Selfishness isn’t bad.

Now I’m going to qualify that statement.

Selfishness is good:
“Selfishness” is a process where people look out for themselves. They try to get the best that they can for themselves, despite what others may think. Selfishness is often a drive for someone to do their best, regardless of others, a method of empowerment, of succeeding.

How selfishness is bad:
Selfish people think of themselves first, others second (if at all). Selfish people do what they want to do, which is not always what is the right thing to do, given their particular circumstances. This selfishness does not take into account anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, emotions and needs. Very bad.

Now HP, you’ve been married for 12 years. Throughout this time your wife has put up with being second place in your life. Second to what you wanted to do; second to where you wanted to be; second to what is happening in your life. That has to change.

Now, I don’t want you to go to your wife and say “I know I have a problem being selfish and I will work on it. I want to make this marriage work and I’ll change”. You’re not going to do this because, my friend, the proof is in the pudding. And your words aren’t worth squat right now.

The proof of being able to change is in your actions. Change needs to be shown, not discussed. You can’t tell someone you’ve changed, you need to show the change you have been able to do and maintain that change, from the moment you’ve decided to change forward.

Here’s how you’re going to make the change that your wife will see you’ve changed and stay in your marriage:

You’re going to put her, and her feelings, emotions and needs, first. What you do has a consequence: how it affects her. You’re going to ask yourself that question every time you plan to do something, “How will me doing, or not doing this, affect my wife?”

– If you get invited out to be with your friends it must be a “wife-friendly” event. She either has to be able to go with you, or you have her complete approval to go without her. Anything else and you must decline to go, without any blame towards your wife. Spend that time with your wife. Rent a movie instead of leaving her behind. A movie she wants to see.

– If your wife right now has no “friend time” of her own you have to encourage her to go out with the friends she does have and you’ll pick up on the slack time, the housework, that would normally be done when she was home. This has to be a regular, hopefully weekly, time for her. Her friend time. She needs it and she needs to know you’ll be home while she’s out. You’ll be waiting for her to come home, instead of being out partying somewhere.

– You’ll bring romance back in your marriage:
At least twice a month take your wife out for dinner. Not too expensive but somewhat kid-free. It doesn’t even have to be planned that far in advance (spur of the moment is great if you can arrange it!) as long as the dinner time does not interrupt anything she may have planned. Think of her first when planning these dinners out!

– Show her you love her:
Go to your local Hallmark store and buy some romantic greeting cards. I don’t mean one or two, I’m talking 8 or ten. Cards that make you feel romantic towards your wife. Cards that will speak your romantic feelings to her. These are cards that you will write at least 4 sentences of a love note into when you give them to her, on an ordinary day, stuffed in her robe, tucked into her bath towel. You will not give her the card face to face, you will leave the card somewhere for her to easily find. You can also instead of using a card every time (but the first 4 or 5 times should be a greeting card) just write a love note for her. Something that says you’re thinking of her. Drop it into her purse. Hang it in the shower. Stick it on the side of the toaster. Leave her messages that scream “I love you” just because you do, not for a holiday, birthday or any other reason than being married to her. You’ll do this at least once a week.

– Help out around the house more:
You’ve been a jerk leaving her to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping (maybe even taking care of the kids, you didn’t say if you have children). It’s time to do more that will give her some free time of her own. You will give up your time for her to have free time of her own. And you will never, ever complain about what you gave up for her to have some free time.

– Start reading:
After 12 years it’s likely that the both of you are so familiar with each other that you’ve become strangers. There is nothing to talk about anymore. No fresh conversations. Nothing new that you’d both be interested in. Change that by reading. Find some books and magazines that you’re interested in and start reading. And to make this work you must talk about the book or magazine stories with your wife. Now, I’m not talking about a 2 hour book-club discussion. Just a short “That last part (the article about) I read was great, it went like this…”

– Become a more responsible man:
Now, I don’t know what your career is and I don’t know what work you do around the house. But whatever those are, you’re to start doing more around the house. Cleaning, house maintenance, yard work. Getting rid of spider webs, whatever. You know what needs to be done that you haven’t been doing. Write yourself a list (that you keep to yourself) and start on those chores. This works because not only are you doing things around that house that has to be done but you are, at the same time, home with your wife and not out with your friends, partying like a rock star.

– Finances need to be fair and open
I am assuming that you are working and your wife isn’t. But this advice works either way:
You need to have a family conference about family finances.

You’ll need to show where currently money is earned and has been spent and how you’re doing as a family unit, financially.

Then, you’re to set up an allowance for both you and your wife. This is the “discretionary fund” or allowance that you both will commit to, to be able to spend without the other watching over the shoulder, the amount set weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. This is money left over after bills are paid and a savings account has had a deposit.

If your wife isn’t working outside of the home it’s time to give her an allowance so she has money of her own to spend, not relying on handouts from you. If she does work outside the home then it’s time to redefine financial obligations, how money is spent and saved. And what the amount of “discretionary funds” you both have to spend on items that aren’t directly involved in the upkeep of your home and household. This is not where you say “I make more than you so I get more to spend on myself”, this is where you level out the playing field so that you both have the same money each week. This will curb your partying and help your wife save and have money of her own. You’ll be surprised with the results if you’re not already doing this!

This is extremely important.

Where you’re going to start:
– Not go out without your wife for the next month. Except for times you out with your wife you will not go out. You will not complain about it. You will not ask her for permission to go out. You are a changed man, an “at home” man for at least this first month.
– Love cards and messages start now! And at least once a week from now on, forever.
– Dinners out start Thursday or Friday. That means this week, not next.
– Helping around the house starts immediately. I don’t care what it is, but it’ll be whatever you’ve been leaving your wife to do around the house. After you read this email, grab the vacuum, empty the dishwasher, clean out the lint trap in the clothes dryer. Do something right now!
– The openness of finances and the setting of you and your wife’s spending allowances should be set as soon as possible.

And email me in two months, let me know how things are going for you, your relationship, your family.
Best wishes,
Rob.