Tag Archives: wife complains

The Uncaring, Selfish Husband

Dear Rob,
My husband and I are married for 2 years and 2 months now. We were in love for 4 years before being married.

My parents opposed the marriage and fought against it until it happened.

We have a group of common friends that I like so much. The problem is that my husband is very selfish, he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it without considering me or thinking of our little daughter.

We do not have much of a private life, we have to spend all our spare time with our group of friends. I can not plan to go out anywhere if they are not coming. Thursdays are sacred for them.

I can not go to the cinema if they did not feel like it. My husband does not like going to a restaurant with me to even have lunch. The only common thing that we share is going to the pool. That is all.

I might like to do some things in the weekend but I have to either go by myself or take some of my friends but never to bother him because he will not do anything for me.

If I want to spend any time with him then I will have to do it his way or find my own way to entertain myself alone. He has no concern to do anything even for one hour just for me. In all the occasions, it’s the same to him: birthdays, Valentine’s Day, marriage anniversary means nothing to him.

He does not want to exchange presents and he does not want to go out even though he knows that this matters to me so much. I have to accommodate myself always on his likes & dislikes but mine are my own problems. He does allow anyone to tell him what to do, he chooses what he will do according to his mood. If I want something I have to do it and not bother him.

I hope I explained my problem. I want to find a solution. I love him but still I can not bear this kind of attitude anymore.

I began to be not wanting to share anything with our friends. If I do not want to (sometimes before I used to go not because I want to but because I have to share with him something). I began to feel not wanting to share anything with him if he does not want to share anything with me. I am not over demanding I demand a little and on long intervals other than that we do all what he likes and even this is not appreciated by him.
Thanks in advance,
Mary-Jane

Hi Mary-Jane,
Now is the time for you to confront him about being inconsiderate of you and his bad behavior.

Sit him down and tell him openly how he makes you feel. That he is not being fair or nice to you. A marriage is a partnership, not a place for a husband to think only of himself.

And, the next time that be talks badly of you in front of you and his friends, you immediately do this:
Repeat what he said, and say “I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife” and wait for his reply.
Whenever he says something mean, hurtful or selfish use a variation of that phrase:
“I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d wouldn’t think about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d make me do this all by myself, your loving wife”

If you continue to let him mistreat you, you’ll have to live with it for the rest of your marriage.

If you stand up for yourself, eventually he will understand that he cannot treat you so badly.

Guys like this usually were overly doted on by their mothers or older siblings. They were always allowed to do what they want, the consequences of their actions never being made apparent to them or having to apologize for thinking only of themselves. Changing this behavior requires calm, thoughtful confrontation.
Never become angry.
Don’t cry.

Remain calm when you talk to him about his behavior, don’t let him turn the fault of his behavior onto yourself (a sign of controlling behavior).

And when he’s being mean in front of his friends towards you, repeat what he said and ask him, in front of his friends, why he’d say such a hurtful thing.

To rein in a poorly behaving, selfish husband, you have to make the rules of your marriage, friendship and relationship clear to him. You need to be calm and not back down from talking to him about his continuing to hurt you emotionally by his actions and words.

You may also want to talk to his parents and older siblings about his behavior. How they dealt with it, why maybe he acts this way. A little insight can go a long way.

If you can start counseling as well, this will help you to understand how to deal with these husband troubles. Go alone if he won’t join you.

You’ll become a better person, a stronger wife, for doing these things.
Best wishes,
Rob.