Talking To A Girl The First Time

Dear Rob,
Hi, my name is Dave, and I really need your help on this one.
There is this girl that I like. And she probably likes me too. It was because of her looking at me all the time that I start liking her. I’m really getting tired of sitting next to her in fifth hour, knowing she likes me, and not being able to even look at her cause I get so nervous.
She is very shy too. She’s super quiet around me. And I find it hard to show her I like her. I’ve seen many of the body signals that a shy girl might do. Like in 2nd hour I can see her looking at me from across the room smiling (like every minute or so.) I really try hard to look back and stare but I can’t (too shy). Then once 5th hour rolls around, all we do is sit there very quietly with each other (it’s so obvious we like each other).
I really don’t want to regret not telling her I like her, when I know she like me. And she seems so nervous around me. She can’t stop shaking her legs, and she moves her hands a lot. But yet if I were drawing in my notebook, she’d somehow notice it, but it would be on the far side of my desk? Yes I can tell that she watches me when I’m not looking, and I do the same.

Now I can’t say that she is outgoing, but she is the Junior captain of the girl basketball team. And I really find it hard to believe that this might be the girl I finally hook up with. I don’t want to regret liking her and the relationship never happening. Please tell me what a 16 year old can do in a time like this.

But one thing I did notice is that, I can act like I like a girl that I don’t and feel comfortable. But when it comes down to a girl I like, I go shy.

Please help me!!!!!
Dave

Hi Dave,
I do understand what you mean, being able to talk to the girls in your group, being comfortable with them but not being able to talk to the girl you’re really attracted that isn’t a part of your group.

Some guys call this a “fear of women”, or a “fear of rejection”. Actually it’s more deep than that. It’s an instinctive response by the male trying to remain protected, not put himself at risk or danger of being hurt when attracting a female. It’s totally normal. The sweating, the fear, the loss of words and sudden lack of self-confidence. Every guy goes through this. Really.

If you’re not the “leader of the pack” as some would say, then you’re trying to keep yourself protected and in a safe place. When you are the leader you always have defenses (read: friends) to fall back on that will offer you support when you are threatened (read: putting yourself at risk) by allowing yourself to be in contact with the girl of interest.

Some guys get a friend (read: wingman) to offset the situation by having their friend deal with the girls other friends that are present and supply cover or an excuse to either talk to her or end the conversation when talk isn’t working out.

The one fact that is missing when you are a teenager is that this is normal, it’s a part of life and whether you win (read: talk to her) or lose (read: bail out and never talk to her), another opportunity is around the corner, or a flip of the calendar’s page.

The other fact that no one will tell you is that the girl is just as scared as you are. Seriously.

I remember being your age and having the same fear. Did I conquer it? Sure. As I grew older I outgrew it.

Did I conquer the fear at the time I first felt this fear? No. I saw the girl, the object of my future happiness, several times, a few times when it was just the two of us and no other friends around.

After seeing her about a dozen times I finally just asked her where she worked (we were both teens but I knew she had a job and at that time we were both waiting for the same bus), I asked her questions about her job and tried to get her to do most of the talking. This is a conversational skill that every guy needs to know, how to create conversation by letting the girl talk and asking questions that keep her talking. After I saw her at work a couple of times, making sure to say “Hi” and chat a bit, I got her number and called her up. We went bowling, which is a great teen date and started dating seriously after that.

So, what you want to do is use what you have in common with her, in your case you take the same classes. She’s already noticed you and is more shy that you are (really!), so ask her to go after school today (yes, this afternoon) and study for a test with you. Or help on a project that you have due. Something that involves both of you, in a safe, public place, without your friends hanging around screaming out being jerks in the background.

Never, ever ask a girl to “Go out sometime”, it’s a deal killer. If you’re going to ask a girl to meet you, have a plan. You’re a loser if you put it like this “Hi, do you want to go out sometime?” Do you see what’s wrong with asking her out like that? You’re trying to play it safe. If she says no you’re not too much hurt because it was just “sometime”. And by adding the “sometime” you were actually saying “Hi, I like you and I hope that you like me but you probably think I’m a dork, but anyways, I want to go out with you, if you’ll let me, but I want you to decide what to do because if I had an idea of what a girl wouldn’t reject me over I wouldn’t be so scared right now”.

And then she says “No”.
And she said no because you didn’t have a plan.

So, buck up, lose the fear of her saying no to you and ask her out doing something that the both of you have in common. Homework in the library is a good start. Or something along those lines. Just make sure you complete the deal by having a time and a place for this to happen.

When she says yes, tell her where you’ll meet, what you’ll be doing and until when. Maybe get her email too at this time, so you can chat later with her.

And if she says no, just smile and say “Maybe we can do this another time?” and watch for her reply. She’ll use body language to project her answer before she says anything. Watch for the good body language, whether she is standing or sitting:
She touches your arm;
She smiles and looks down, to the right;
She stutters and straightens her back, as if to stand taller;
She makes eye contact but only until she talks to you then she looks away;
She looks over to her friends for help or support.
When something like that happens you’re good for another attempt. Maybe she just had something already planned. She’s not shooting you down, she’s just going to wait for another flyby.
If you see the bad body language:
She steps back;
She doesn’t smile and looks down and to her left;
She stays hunched but makes eye contact and keeps looking at you as she talks;
She looks towards the door or any way of exit from you.
Those are negative body language signals and it’s best to leave your planning to another time, another place. It’s not the end, but she just isn’t interested at that time.

Now then, to sum up:
Recognize that the feeling of fear is normal;
Know that she is as nervous as you are;
You’ve got to ask her out to really know her answer;
You’ve got to have a plan ready for when she says yes;
If she says no she may just have other plans at that time and you can try again in a few days;

And most important of all, understand that guys get rejected by women all the time. Otherwise there’d be no such thing as “dating” it would be “Hi, welcome to our marriage”.
Best wishes,
Rob

Leave a Reply