The Breakup That Isn’t Final

Hi Rob,
Noticing the type of advice that you give, I had to ask you some question about a 3.5 year relationship, that officially came to a conclusive a couple months ago.
Mutually, we felt as though there were things that I did wrong (jealousy, poor treatment, and getting too upset or angry, overanalyzing, etc) that may have accumulated over the years.

However, there were times towards the end the relationship when she began to act differently and not as happy with talking to me or seeing me. An important fact, however, is that she currently attending graduate school. She claims that her limited time to see me, coupled with the accumulated discomfort that she felt for me, is what ultimately ended matters between us. Right now, she wants to be alone, hang out with her friends, and as she claims, “do her thing.” However, she still claims to love me! Anytime I mention the idea of her going out and dating so she can find someone, she tells me that she has not met the man that can equate to me yet. She doesn’t see anyone out there for her that can match up to me.

She also stated on occasion that there are times when she’s unhappy being without me ever since we split up. She says this is not necessarily a permanent situation. She wants to take some time to see how we get along under these conditions and see if anything changes between us. I have tried to back off and act as if I don’t care either way about getting back with her, but she has consistently managed to reel me in (me becoming a WUSSY) with flirting, seduction, and loving gestures such as wishing that I would cuddle with her. She sees reactions from other girls aimed at me and she makes comments such as, “I’m hotter than them. Sorry!” Or, “I think she wants you.”
Bottom line, I want her back, but feel as though I need to keep that notion internal as much as possible. I’ve also told her that I am confused as to the logic behind her flirtation. Her response, “If you don’t like it, I won’t do it anymore.” She is definitely playing games. I feel I need to let her come to me and continue to play hard ball, but it’s getting difficult to stay so disciplined.

She seems confused over her feelings about me. My best friend suggested that I take her out for the weekend one of this upcoming weekends for diner, a movie, and then a hotel room. Just spend the whole weekend with her to bury the hatchet and indirectly attempt to clean the slate.
Recently, I ran the idea past her, and she immediately expressed a solid interest in that idea, but I also told her that I don’t know about the sex part. I told her I don’t know about that because I do not want to add to her confusion in regards to how she perceives me (wanting me back or not wanting me back). What do you think about the leisurely weekend time with her and my thoughts about the sex situation? Should that weekend even happen?

What can I do to change this whole scenario? I do want her back. That’s the truth. I don’t think I should let her know that I want her back though – just keep it casual I admit that I have been wuss in the past, telling her that I want her back. Big no no. Still, she seems attracted to me, still wants to have sex with me, and claims to still have feelings for me. I have acted like a wuss in the past couple months, but now I’m attempting to turn that around. Can I get this girl back again with an “I don’t care either way” approach? If so, what do you suggest would be a good plan for me to do that? Do I pay her any mind? Do you conceivably see a future once again for us?
Joe

Hi Joe,
Sorry to tell you but you’ve been downgraded from boyfriend to plaything. Sure, she still has feelings for you, but she’s dumped you so she can explore if it’s possible for her to have feelings for different guys too.

The weekend you’re planning could be a good thing but most likely I see a big expense, a little pleasure and nothing being resolved.

If you want to turn this relationship around it’s time for you to be the single guy she at first wanted you to be… and that means doing things without her watching over your shoulder, without her hanging around with you and your friends.

What you need to know about long term relationships that break up out of confusion, lost interest and maturing personalities is that they are a hard habit to break. Couples remain friendly and comfortable with each other after this type of breakup, but deep down the person that initiated the breakup is dissatisfied with their lives and looking for something (and someone) new and exciting.
And they keep you in the wings, waiting for them to come back to you, until they do find that something new because they don’t have to fully feel the loss of your relationship while you’re still around.

It’s time for you to give her the gift of missing you. Move on with your life and let her decide if her feelings for you is as strong as it once was as she is missing you.

Catch up with her in a couple of months. But do not wait as a wussy single guy pining away for his lost love. Get out there and date other women.
Now!
Best wishes,
Rob

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