Uncommitted Relationships

Dear Rob,
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years that for many reasons I ended up taking for granted. Most of all I had certain traditional ideas in my head about what sort of man I “should be” with and he didn’t quite fit this model.

We were close, spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, however for the past few months I began to pull away and would avoid answering questions about where the relationship was going and where things stood because of residual issues that had begun to plague me re a past 7-year relationship. I had begun to feel terrible guilt about the way I ended that relationship and jumped straight into this one.

Despite these issues I was completely devastated when recently I discovered my guy had a drunken one night stand with a female ‘friend’. We had just enjoyed a happy week together.

He came clean and after a few days we talked and he said he was desperately sorry and that although it wasn’t an excuse he had felt frustrated and unhappy about that state of things for a long time – he wanted a commitment. I then opened up about how I’d been dealing with some residual issues from my past relationship (which he had suspected) and we talked openly for the first time in ages. I told him I had been in contact with my ex, but that it had been completely platonic.

This situation has made me realise how much I need to leave issues from my past relationship behind and how I would like a truly committed relationship with this man who I love.

If we truly love each other and decide that we both want a committed, faithful relationship with each other we can move forward to a fresh beginning?
Many thanks
Denise

Hi Denise,
Yes you can move forward to a committed relationship, but:
You both need to get personal relationship counseling.

I think that it’s great that you can both accept who you are and now take responsibilities for the things you have done, to yourselves and others.
But you are not too dependent and open enough to say that these issues (your ex, his cheating) won’t pop up again, and soon, and be the deal breakers that they are.
Head off the trouble that is coming your way and start seeing a professional counselor now. Find one today.

There can be no real ‘fresh beginning’ until the past is finally put to rest, for the both of you.

You are not committed, you’ve been in contact with your ex (of 7 years) to find out where things went wrong. Well, my dear, things went wrong when you played at commitment but could not get married to this man you spent so much time with. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and you refused, or felt ‘not ready’ for him. You avoided commitment then and you are avoiding commitment now, your current boyfriend (of 2 years) is allowing that fear to be his reason for cheating. Drunk or not (although I don’t think ‘drunk’ is a valid excuse at all!) his actions have been reprehensible.

If you want to make these adult relationships work, and you’re serious with someone, marriage should be on the tips of each of your tongues after the first 6 months of dating exclusively. For you, not so much. I have to think that you have some fears that hold you back. And your current boyfriend is just ‘along for the ride’ with you. But when the marriage train pulls in, he’s off to new encounters.

You didn’t say that you have any kids. I certainly hope not. Children need parents, two of them, a mother and a father that is committed to raising them right, in a safe home.
Maybe this is why? Are you running away from ‘settling down’?

I want you to start by reading a book that is available from the front page of my website “Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. It’s a real page turner and is an excellent read for people in relationship trouble that they alone caused. I do believe that you created this situation, this unhappiness with your current partner because, not of past unresolved issues, but because you cannot allow yourself to be happy now.

I want you to be happy.
Read the book, get couples counseling, move your life forward to the committed relationship you truly desire.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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