Divorcing The Sociopathic Husband And Moving On
I just don't understand how a man could seem so sensitive and caring and then so cold and malicious.

Dear Rob,
I was married to what I thought was the “perfect” man for nearly 7 years. He was 8 years my junior. He is now 39 and I am 47. When we met, we were both married. I was in a very unhappy marriage that lacked any intimacy whatsoever for nearly 5 years. He said he was miserable with his wife and that she was hard to get along with and was just simply an angry person.

We got divorces and married each other. I paid for his divorce and mine. He treated me like a queen and declared that he “loved me from the bottom of his heart”. He quickly ran errands for me and seemed to actually spoil me. He gave regular massages. He told me everyday just how beautiful he thought I was. He was the most sensitive man I had ever met–he seemed quite sensitive in that he cried easily upon hearing sad songs or watching sad movies.

I put 100% into the marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was careful not to snap at him and if I did, I apologized immediately. We had one serious argument during the nearly 7 years of our marriage.

I might add that we came from two totally different backgrounds. I had been on the same job nearly 20 years at the time and had a decent income, had just purchased a new home, and had a new vehicle. I was living the American Dream–I guess. He was driving a vehicle that didn’t run half the time, wearing tattered clothing, and working a dead end job with no benefits. I felt he was a good person but had lacked having the same opportunities that I had been blessed with. I took him in, cleaned him up by buying him new clothes and a dependable vehicle. Credit card nightmare!

Also, just before our first anniversary, he became seriously ill. I rushed him to hospital and he had to have emergency surgery for infectionious pericardis. He was in a coma for 13 days. I didn’t sleep for over 40 hours and prayed that God would save him. That was a very spiritual experience for me as God did spare him and after that my husband kept telling me that I saved his life. I would remind him that it was God that had saved him a not me.

Also, before we had been married a year, I learned quite by accident that he had said some pretty perverted things to a young girl who worked at a fast food restaurant near our home. She even referred to him as “an old pervert”.

Then, a few years later he made some inappropriate comments to a young lesbian co-worker of mine who I supervised at the time. Not cool! He told her just how sexy he thought she was and told her not to tell his wife that he’d said that. This caused a terrible scene and nearly caused the organization I work for a sexual harassment suit. I permanently removed him from the property immediately. When I asked him for an explanation for his actions, he first said “maybe I’m going through a mid-life crisis”. When I responded with “so you were coming on to her” question, he quickly said that he was only trying to compliment her.

Then, he called up his brother’s wife and said some inappropriate things to her. He finally admitted that they had once had sex before she was his brother’s wife and before he married me!

Then, I found the phone numbers of two women hidden in his truck. I won’t go into detail but it was really weird how I ran across those. I certainly wasn’t prowling around in his truck! When I confronted him, he started crying and begging me not to divorce him (by the way, this was his reaction to the other two incidents, too), and saying that he only got them just to “see if he could”. He promised me that he’d never even called them and that he would never do anything again and that it would always just be me and him. Silly me! I believed that and continued to trust him although I was informed by people who had known him longer than me that he had cheated on every woman he’d ever been with and that he was a player!

Then, this past December he told me that he was unhappy and wanted to leave. He said he wanted to be out on his own and that he’d never even paid his own rent before and that he didn’t want to be married anymore.
The sensitive man that I thought I knew so well transformed into a monster before my very eyes! I didn’t raise my voice at him–not once–but I did ask him to please tell me what had happened as he had continued to declare his love for me just days before.

He’d turn to me with a very dark expression on his face and look at me with eyes of steel and say things like, “I don’t see what the big f*ing deal is here, we can still be friends, I’ll call you, I’ll even come by your house and maybe we can hook up sometime!”.

I was devastated and reminded him that I was his wife and asked him why on earth he was talking to me like this. He didn’t have any answers. Then, he would tell me that he wanted to try to make it work, then he would scream at me that he had to leave, then he would approach me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, then he’d want sex.

I gave him sex in any way he wanted it–I was trying to save my marriage! Then, I found out that it indeed was another woman that he had known for a little over 3 weeks! I tried to reason with him–thought he might be suffering from a mid-life crisis. Then, when he spat at me that if things didn’t work at with her, he’d be back, I threw a rock through the windshield of the truck that I had just bought for him a month or so before. He wasn’t in the truck–I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone–just finally stressed my displeasure with the situation. He left for good that same day.

Since he left, I’ve learned through people coming to me–not once have I sought info–that the man cheated on me with at least a dozen women! It was like he was out there coming on to anyone he could. He also came onto women who were really close friends of mine as well as the wives and girlfriends of his friends. Very risky! The gal he left me for had been married to her husband for over 12 years and had a very comfortable life and a good job.

Before they were together 3 months and before her divorce was final, my ex convinced her to sign mortgage papers with him for a mobile home to put on “his” property which is actually in his mother’s name. The girlfriend told me that she has nearly used up all her savings on this venture. She bought a second late model jeep that he is now driving. I wouldn’t let him take the truck that I had bought him but gave him another one that I had bought that ran better than the one he came into our marriage with. He has bragged to everyone about her income and how she takes him shopping at expensive clothing stores and tells him to get whatever he wants. The girl is really a sweet girl but seems quite naive. She and I exchange emails and I’ve tried to warn her but she thinks she is the “special one” just like he told me that I was the special one.

He even told me before he left me that I should be proud because I was his “record” in that he had stayed with me longer than anyone. I fear he is using this girl in the same manner. I honestly feel badly for her–I’m old enough to be her mother!

The other thing that I might mention is that he would not seek steady employment. He didn’t work half the time we were together and this kept me under a great deal of stress. He was a total pot head and had to have his pot no matter what.

He also had a child support obligation that I paid when he wasn’t working because I didn’t want him to have to deal with court or maybe even jail if he fell behind. She now tells me that he’s only smoking pot on the weekends. When he was cheating on me, he did it all pretty much on his work time, turning in work hours that he wasn’t even there! He worked on his own and his boss wasn’t around very much at all so he had the freedom and trust to do pretty much what he wanted.

The new girl and he work over 100 miles apart from each other so I figured that she doesn’t REALLY know what he is doing. She just hears his great declaration of love for her all the time and all the affection he is capable of pouring out to her. She said he told her in the beginning of the relationship that he had to have sex at least once a day and she agreed because she considers herself a very sexual person as well. I obliged him his sexual desires as well even though I hit menopause a few years ago. That was hard but I kept it up no matter what but he seemed so very inconsiderate during that time.

Also, I’m a very attractive lady for my age and have taken good care of myself. I easily pass for 35 and am fortunate to still have my shape. As far as attractiveness, this 29 year old has nothing on me. I’m not being conceited, it’s just fact. However, I was catching on to his using me and had started to say NO to a few things–especially concerning money.

I’m sorry this is so long but it’s a bit complex. I just don’t understand how a man could seem so sensitive and caring and then so cold and malicious. How could this man have a conscience and how can the girlfriend trust that he won’t do the same thing to her?

Hi Anon,
What a horrendous story. I am so glad that you managed to escape!

As for whether this man is a sociopath, he certainly has the tendencies to not have any remorse for what he does, ignore the needs of others for his own selfish interests. His apparent “sensitivity and caring” was merely a pretending game for him to set you up, put you at ease, and effect his control over you, the victim.

He also displays a “con man” attitude that he uses to trick women into believing what they want to believe. He uses this tactic as well to his own ends.

Any women that come into contact with him, any woman at all, are merely playthings to be used and thrown away, no matter their investment and involvement with him.

He’s certainly beyond counselling, it seems to me, as well as he’s on the certain road to prison.

Eventually his “needs” will outweigh his reserved actions and he’ll cross into obvious criminal activity, I’d think of a sexual assault type crime.

He’s done this to you, used his “power” over you to get you to do things you’d otherwise never do.

I hope that your divorce is completely final and you can move on from this experience and loss of your enjoyment of the last several years. It seems to me that he married you under false pretences and you should have had the advice of an annulment, if you had revealed all to your attorney. (Just my opinion.)

Again, I am glad that you survived, I hope this other woman manages to see the light before it’s too late.
Best wishes for a brighter future!