Do You Forgive Her When She Cheats On You?
She admitted that she had an affair about a year ago lasting 2 months. It was serious as she told me.

Dear Rob,
I have been in a serious relationship with a really nice woman for the last 6 years. Our relationship has had its share of problems mainly caused due to fact that 1) have a very time demanding job; 2) she is very beautiful so men are hitting on her all the time and it makes me jealous sometimes.

She always assured me that nothing has been going on and that she really loves and wants me forever. I believed her and still do….sort of that is.

I recently found a lot of sms messages in her cell phone from another man calling her ‘baby’ and ‘I really miss you’ and stuff like that. I was shocked and when I asked her she went all furious about me invading her privacy and all that.

She admitted that she had an affair about a year ago lasting 2 months. It was serious as she told me. That guy proposed her to marry him and after seriously considering it she turned it down and broke up with him.

She said the reason was she loved me too much to do anything like that. She met him again 2 weeks ago by chance and since then he send her those sms I found.

The reason she started an affair with him back then, was because she felt mistreated by me because of my stressful job and long work hours away. This is only partially true. I do work a lot but I am doing a lot for my relationship too. To be honest I could have done more though.

Well the tricky part starts here: She says she wants to marry me and have family with me in the future, but ABOVE all she says she needs my emotional support the present time. Her father has terminal cancer. She said that she won’t accept any talks about her previous misdoings and that she wants her calmness in order to deal with this difficult situation.

She told me that I can help her but if I can’t I should just leave.

Well I REALLY love this woman but I can’t keep that affair thing out of my mind.

How could I ever leave her knowing that she needs me at this difficult time? By the way our sex life rally sucks for this last year.
Please help me Rob…. I’m really clueless and worried

Hi Clueless,
I can appreciate the situation you’re in.

You’re a really nice guy to stay with her after she cheated on you. And I can understand not being able to completely trust her anymore. Especially since she’s started talking to this guy again. She’s offered you no reasons at all to be able to trust her and yet she wants you to forgive her. She doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of her actions but she wants you to bury your pain and stay with her. Even move on to marrying her, even though you’re hurting. She has unreal expectations is what I say.

Now, with her father dealing with cancer she’s going to need a lot of emotional support. And because of the evidence of the sms messages I’m sure she’s started to get some support from her affair guy. And she’s using this family issue to bury her past, to make you forgive without her having to deal with talking about her affair to you. She’s using you. Yes, calmness is needed for her to be able to support her father in his time of need, but that is not a reason to deal with her life right now.

You both need serious relationship or pre-marriage counseling if you’re going to be able to move on towards a trusting, loving marriage. And when you ask her to join you in counseling I bet my bottom dollar that she’ll find some excuse not to. She won’t want to work on YOUR relationship with HER because she will use any reason to not have to decide between the two guys in her life. (I never believe in chance meetings between ex-lovers!) And going to counseling with you would force her to decide.

My honest opinion is for you to separate from her.
You ask how can you leave her at this time?
Well, she is using her father’s cancer and her needs to her advantage. And she’s using this because she knows that there will come a time when you’re just not going to be there for her. Your work demands will call you away and she will be able to turn to this other guy and be able to blame her cheating actions on you. Hey, she’s already blamed her past affair on you, right?

I think that because of your other obligations there will come a time when you will be unable to offer her the support she needs and at the first time she doesn’t have you there for her she’ll turn to this other guy, who is back in her life, for the support she needs. Really, he’s in the sidelines waiting to take your place and she’s already setting the stage for this to happen.

There are only two ways to go:
– Deal open and honestly with her cheating on you, the reasons for her past affair and her now continuing contact with this other guy. Have her join you in counseling to deal with her infidelities, without using the excuse of her father’s illness being a reason not to go. You both need to do this to conquer the infection that has poisoned your relationship.
– Break up with her and find yourself a personal counselor to talk with. You need professional help to deal with this cheating event in your life. And you need to be out of her life so that you can heal properly.
Best wishes,