Friends With Benefits or Dating, which is it?

Hi, Rob
My name is Sally from Philadelphia and i am 30 years old and i came across your website and i really enjoyed the advice you gave some of the people on there.

I need some advice on this guy i met online in April 17th of this year. He is a 34 year old who lives in Atlantic city New jersey and lives with his father. He goes to church often. He does have a 4 year old son who lives the mother.

Our conversations were good. We hit it off well. He was calling me 3 to 4 times a day. I started doing the same because i thought that’s what he wanted. He would often say when we have kids together and get married. We also talked about me being the one. He was the one who said all this stuff early in the dating period. He would always call me and ask me how my day went, or did i eat yet, or did i get any rest. We often talked about his family and i talked about mine.

When he first came to see me it was in the last week of April. when he got to my house i let this man kiss me and touch me in places i don’t care to explain, but you know what i mean.

This outing i am going to talk about i initiated it. The next week was his birthday May 4th he came to pick me up. He met my mother that same day. We went out to dinner and a movie and then he drove me back home. All together we went out on four outings together.

However, the first time i had sex with this man was 2 weeks after meeting him, which i know was stupid.

During this time he came to my house two times to see me and we had sex both times.

I went to visit him in jersey and i thought it was only fair to go visit him in jersey because he came to see me. Because he often talked about making a sacrifice in a relationship. But he didn’t invited me i invited myself to go see him.

It is now a month, May 31st memorial day was the last time we saw each other. When i arrived in jersey he took me to is house, his father happen to be sitting down stairs. He introduced me as his friend Sally.

He then took me and showed me his family pics of his mother who passed away and his brother and sisters photos.

He then took me and showed me around his neighborhood and should me where his brothers and sister lives. they all live pretty close in his neighborhood in jersey. We then headed off to the movies which was great. we laughed, kissed, touched each other and held hand so tight like we always do. We have so much chemistry. We went out to dinner after the movie and he took me to a motel room and we had sex. He said he couldn’t have sex in his father’s house. He also received 2 texts in the movies and 1 at 10:00pm right before we had sex. (this has been on my mind for the past few days now). The next morning he drove me back home and there was dead silence in the car. He didn’t even say Good morning to me. This is one of the things in the beginning he would always call or text to ask. How was my morning or how was my day going so far… that all has completely stopped.

It is now June 4th and he has not call me yet. I haven’t called either. I saw him online though on June 3rd because i am on his facebook page which is making it harder to not see him at all. I ask him why he hasn’t call me yet when he said June 1st he would and never called that day. He replied “LMBO” I Knew that was coming”. I then said “what did it slip your mind”. He then said “it is a possibility”. I then said you said Tuesday you would call me and never did. He replied “I did day that didn’t i”. I then told him to enjoy his game, which was so stupid of me. It’s like he doesn’t care.

The baddest part about this whole thing is i am not even his girlfriend, he hints from time to time we are a couple, but never came out and say i want you to be my girlfriend. However i did ask him early on about changing our facebook status he said we haven’t talked about it and he has a little bit more people than me to tell if he did change it.

My questions to you is

1. Was he just telling me things he taught i wanted to hear to
2. Do you think i gave him sex too fast?
3.. Why would he continue to date me even after he got sex?
4.Why would he show me family pics, take me to his church and play his guitar for me ( i did ask him in the beginning of the dating period to play for me sometime) and show where his family lives.
5.Why would he take me out in public hold hands if not interested?
6. Is there any chance of a long-term relationship or is it doomed for us?
7.Is there someone else?
Should i move on?

My mother keeps telling me he will call, give it some time she says, because she likes him a lot, but deep down why do i feel it in my gut and it’s a weird feeling and i know he won’t call. I have been crying for 3 days straight now. I just need some sound advice.

Hi Sally,
This guy has real connection issues and believes that dating is sex, so when it’s over it’s like turning a page, looking for a new story to appear instead of a continuation of the same story.

Weird, right?

You need answers and he gives you lies and “later we’ll talk about it”. Which is an answer in itself, just not the type of answer you expect or are prepared for.

Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, when he calls, if he ever does, tell him to meet you at a specific place, at a specific time and tell him to bring his wallet, he’s buying dinner.

If he falters, then he’s not interested enough to continue this relationship unless it’s free sex included… geesh, you’ll be doing it in the back seat of his car if he can’t find a cheap enough motel… ugh.

Pull yourself back to reality and wish for the best but plan for the worst.

Email me any time,
Best wishes,

**** Continued ****

Dear Rob,
Well it’s too late he took me to a cheap motel room on the 31st of may and we had sex. On the way back home in the car the next morning was dead silence. I knew something wasn’t right. He took me to work that same morning because i asked him too he said yes. I ask him for a kiss and he kissed me back and said i’ll call you later. It has been 1 week no call. I did however confront him on facebook Thursday June 3rd 2010 about why he didn’t call when he said he would his answers were very short and he even laughed and said i knew that was coming. At the end of the conversation i told him to enjoy his basketball game. I haven’t call since and i don’t plan on it.

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
4. Should i simply move on with my life?

Dear Sally,
Sorry to hear what has transpired since your email.
To answer your questions:

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
No confrontation online, you need to talk like adults.

2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
Remove him, see if he cares about it or not. Likely he won’t care and will finally feel free of you, as if you’re breaking up with him first.

3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
He wanted to sleep wit you, no other answer needed. BUT you did allow it to happen, so you need to ask yourself why are you having sex with him? Do you really think that’s how you get a boyfriend? By offering him a booty call?

4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Yes, move on, hard life lesson learned.

From this point forward you should consider yourself single and don’t put out within the first 6 months of dating.
If a guy is serious, he’ll wait, if he doesn’t, well you were just being used in the first place…

Best wishes,

FWB and Home Cooked meals

Hi Rob!
I found your email on the website and really like the way you give advice to so many women. Is it possible that you can offer me your advice as well? If so, this is my situation:

I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now, but started to sleep with him around the 2nd-3rd month. I then asked him what we were and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship so we’re practically fwb (friends with benefits). I continued to see him (with the sex), but after a month I started to feel weird and told him that I couldn’t do the fwb thing unless we were in a relationship. He said he was ok with being friends with no sex and still wanted to keep in touch.

But after a few days, he called and we ended up hooking up again. But lately he’s been acting really sweet to me, bringing me homecooked meals and acting well-mannered towards me (helped me shop for school supplies, I’m 32 and in college). But he still only contacts me every 2-3 days and we usually end up having sex after eating dinner or hanging out (lately I’ve been buying dinner since he’s very short on money). But last night, I called him and asked to go see him. We hung out at his friend’s house and then afterwards, he said he had to go home because he had to wake up early to work with his dad. This time, he didn’t ask me for any kind of sex.

After a few days, feeling confused again, I hung out with him and told him that I really can’t sleep with him unless we were in a relationship, and then he agreed that we shouldn’t sleep together because he said he didn’t want me to get too attached. He also said that he really can’t have a relationship because he still needs to straighten out his life (he’s 22, out of work, dragging along in college and lives in a 2-bedroom house with his dad and 7 siblings).

But then later on that night, we ended up in bed again. I feel bad now. But I really don’t know how he feels about me. It’s as if he cares but doesn’t.

I don’t even know if he really considers me as a friend. Does this mean he likes me for more than a fwb? Please help. I like this guy alot! I also feel so empty now. I’ve tried to ignore him, but it’s too hard because I really like him and treasure our friendship that we’ve built (at least from my perspective).

Thank you. I hope you can help me with this situation. Your advice is so greatly appreciated!

Hi Shirley,
It’s time to break things off, now!

He has said numerous times that he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or at least you as a girlfriend) and that he just wants sex.

Enticements of food and other goodies just makes it easier for him to have sex with you, he’s less guilty and get what he wants.

You get nothing, really.

Break it off and work on your self-esteem and read books to have a better understanding of men.

You can move to a better, more positive place, but only of you’re out of the place you’re in now!
Best wishes,

How did he get over me so quickly?

Dear Rob,
Met a guy in NYC on a flight from Europe to LA… he came up to me, nice, tall, handsome. It was the most intense, most attractive I’ve ever felt with someone so soon.

Anyhow, we talked for hours and hours and I just felt like “wow, this guy is too good to be true”. Anyhow, we kissed and stuff and he got my info etc. We primarily texted the next few months, he called only 2x and I thought that was a bit strange, but I went with it. And while I was dating other guys, he was the one for me, but I played it cool. So he flew me out there in Nov… I stayed in a hotel since I wanted to send the message that there would be no sex that soon… even though all my guy friends thought it was weird.

So we had a fabulous time, the first night I crashed at his place but we didn’t “sleep together”. He’s kind of a weird guy in that everything was going great until that morning when we were going to meet his friends and sister (which was interesting), he asked if he should bring a camera and I said no. He sort of got weird, think he doesn’t like women with strong opinions. Anyhow, everything went well … meeting the friends, sister… went back to his place to play chess and watch TV and I was super tired so I wanted to take a nap. I was going to go back to my hotel room but he convinced me to nap at his place and we did and then of course, he tried again and I stopped it sort of early on again. Like really early on. I think that was it because after that he was completely “checked out”. Went to dinner, everything was okay and then when we were close to his place he told me to either go back to my hotel or go to his place and “just cuddle”… it was my choice.

Obviously he was annoyed. Annoyed that he was annoyed and cold, I hopped in a taxi and then changed my mind (like an idiot) and came back to his place with him. He immediately went to bed and was totally ignoring me… then we sort of got into it and he sat on the edge of the bed for 5min not saying a word and then calmly asked me to leave. I got dressed, left and then (AGAIN!) came back (we had a few glasses of wine, but still)… ugh. He didn’t walk me out and the next time I came back he was in the lobby… I was so NOT MYSELF in that I probably looked so pathetic. Anyhow, he asked me if I was drunk and that I was acting crazy and dismissive and to just go back and he would call me the next day. He never called and I sent a text saying I should have communicated things (not sleeping with him, etc) and thanks for everything. He replied “it was nice while it lasted, have a nice trip”.

Then a few wks later, I sent an email just sort of explaining things, and he responded, but letting it go. I know I sound desperate and pathetic, but I really had hopes for this one. We “clicked” and I hate that a bad turn of a few events led to the demise of the relationship. He probably thinks I’m pathetic and a tease… and it’s been a few months and I’m STILL hung up and feeling badly for how stupid the whole thing was.

So my question to you is this… should I send him a final email sort of saying I wouldn’t mind giving it another shot if he doesn’t, or what? Every other guy just doesn’t measure up and I feel so horrible about the fact that I wasn’t even acting like myself… more like me reacting to his sudden coldness. But if I didn’t go back and forth like an idiot, we may still be together. I don’t know, why can’t I let this go? And should I send him an email as an “olive branch”? Not sure who’s at fault here or if a guy could just “be over” it so quickly.

Thanks for any advice!

Let him go, you had a great opening conversation but when life came together you were really just two completely different people that shared a “moment”, just as you said.

Don’t drag this out, he’s not concerned with you as much as you “want” to be in love with him.

I urge you to not continue contacting him because this will just not do any good.

If you have to work so hard to change his mind about you and how much harder would you have to work to continue a relationship?

Do you see how uneven and lop-sided the offering of mutual love will be?

Best wishes,

Hi Rob,
I stumbled onto your site while researching controling men.

I am 20 yrs old I met this guy through another friend he took my number & we started talking having 9 hr conversations at this time we lived in two different states we talked on the phone for about 4 months and visited each other for a month.

I moved to be with him, then all of a sudden his family who lives in Jordan didn’t want us to live together without being married. This issue had never been risen until I moved. I found this to be suspicious but loved him and didn’t want to have to move back. So we got married in October.

Things go well then go bad.

I am a very strong independent woman who likes a little space and a little input on subjects. I have lived on my own for 2 years and have worked and attended college so I’ve been very self sufficient I guess you could say. He is the one who wanted me to move here now that I’m here and we are married things have changed.

I don’t work because we only have one car so he takes it everyday to go to work sometimes 14 hr shifts which leaves me in the house alone and bored. I haven’t met anyone since I have moved here so no friends no family.

I rarely go out only to the bank, and grocery shop, occasionally we will go for a drive or eat out maybe once a month. I cook for him even when he gets home from work at 4am , also wake up every morning and bring the coffee to the bed side for him, clean, laundry, iron all clothes, run his bath/shower water, massage almost EVERY night (I have yet to get a massage) greet him with a kiss when he comes home from work, and an I love every night before I fall asleep.

He is obviously from Jordan and speaks arabic I have started trying to learn arabic so I can understand him better along with learning about his religion. He seems miserable, tells me that his ex understood him more than I do, wants somebody who listens (I feel that I do listen), & that any girl would be happy to sit at home and relax (truth be it makes me miserable to sit at home).

In return I just feel like I’m being taken for granted and nothing I do is good enough and I’m pretty much not up to his standards. However he does do sweet things but I constantly feel like I don’t have a say in anything.

He’s always telling me I should do this or that or why don’t you do it like this, You know what your problem is (my personal fav. makes me want to yell every time he says it).

He doesn’t like me to really talk to my old old grade school friend who is a guy & a gay guy at that! He also tells me that if I keep listening to my mother and everyone else in my life then they are going to screw up my life. My mom feels that he is controling I don’t know sometimes I see it and sometimes I just see a sweet guy trying his best.

When I try to talk about these issues with him it’s an uphill battle he won’t acknowledge or agree with my view of what is going on in our relationship. He always tells me I look at the small stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, also tells me I’m too sensitive.

I feel that if I said half the things that he says to me it would be ten times worse than him saying it to me if that makes sense, feels like I’m supposed to sit down and take it (not in my nature).

I went crazy on him today and told him that if he wanted something different than me go get her! I feel emotionally exhausted & also like I’m losing that strong independent part of myself!

On top of all of this we are working on his citizenship papers! & we just had 3 officers barge into our home at 630am yesterday! So multiple questions come up! You think he is controlling? What should I do if he is? I don’t want to leave, I hate divorce! If he is controlling can I fix it? Finally how do I make him and myself happy?
Thanx a lot

Hi Anonymous,
He is controlling and it’s a cultural thing as much as a personality thing.

You are right to suspect the type of relationship you’re in and would suggest couples counselling to work these issues out.

You need a third person there to help the both of you communicate better.

Your happiness within your marriage is the responsibility of both of you, not something that you need to work on by yourself.

Is it possible he’s using you for citizenship papers? Unfortunately, because of how you describe ypur married life I have suspicions.

If he won’t go to counselling then start the sessions on your own. And do your best to get a second car so that you have some independence once again.

Best wishes,

When he likes you too much: After the first date

Hello Rob!
I hope you can help me with my dilemma.

I went on a first date with this guy. Before the first date he literally texted me or called me twice a day saying that he thought I was beautiful and sweet and that he couldn’t wait to see me. We finally went on our first date and it was wonderful. He kept caressing my hand and forearm during the movie. He put his hand on my knee and caressed it. I loved it and I realized, in my head, that he was right: we had an incredible connection.

He walked me to my car holding my hand and after getting over his obvious nerves he kissed me three times goodnight. (No tongue. Very sweet and classy) The next day I texted him, “good morning” and he responded, “Did you like me? :)” I told him, “yes”. I asked him if he liked me and he said, “NO! I kiss and hold hands with all the girls. Goofball! :)” Obviously, he meant yes but he didn’t REALLY say yes like I did.

Ever since then, he rarely calls me and he doesn’t respond to my texts right away. It has been about two weeks of this nonsense. I finally updated my facebook status generally saying, “I give up. I’m indifferent now.” I didn’t mention names but I’m sure he knew I was referring to him. Within the hour he sent me an email apologizing for being out of touch but that his mum was sick. I hope he’s not lying. He said that he enjoyed my company and thinks I’m a lot of fun but didn’t invite me for a second date.

What should I do? Ignore him? Forget him? Confront him about what he wants with me? Just to let you know, I’m 25 and he’s 41. I thought he would be too mature to be playing games like these. I guess I was wrong.
Any advice you can give me will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

Hi K,
The guy sounds flakey to me and if you continue to date him you’ll find that you’re not the only fish in his sea.

He showed way to much attention and pressured you to see him how he sees himself, which isn’t attraction is narcissistic.

He owes you an apology, but don’t expect more lovey-dovey attitudes without corresponding escalation of pressure on you to like/love him too.

If you do continue to see him, find out as much as you can why his previous relationships fell apart, that will be the big red warning sign I see in your future.

Best wishes,