Tag Archives: convince him to be with me only

Questioning Friends With Benefits Relationships

Dear Rob,
I read some of the questions about the friends with benefits subject and have one myself.

Mine is a little different. I’ll call him ‘J’. We met around 8 years ago, online, we just started talking and eventually met up and became friends, the first night we hooked up but it didn’t go far. We talked a lot online and the phone, he would come over a lot and we would hook up, watch movies, he’d pass out, since he worked odd hours it would sometimes be at like 4am.

My friends all knew him, some of my family even met him. We would go periods when we wouldn’t hook up a lot and just hang out. If we saw each other out we would be fine talking as if we were friends, it was never odd for us, well at least for me it wasn’t.

Throughout the years we have both dated people, one of mine ended up serious for almost 4 years and we had a child together. After I was with this other guy I stopped talking to J but eventually did get a hold of him, told him about my daughter and stuff and he asked for a picture, I sent it, and got a response that said “she kinda looks like me, you sure it’s his?” It was kind of an odd question but I assured him yes.

We talked during my relationship and when we broke up it started all over again with me and J. He met my daughter, we would go over there and he never acted weird with her or anything.

He has done me numerous favors and anytime I call him he makes himself available to help me. Well not long ago the all time worst fear happened, we got pregnant! We both decided at the time it was not right for either of us, we were both back in school trying to get degrees, I had my daughter to handle, and mutually decided to abort the pregnancy.

He was there the entire time, went to the doctor’s office with me, talked to them about the risks and everything, for such a terrible situation he was as good as he could get! Even after, I assumed things would be different with us, but it wasn’t.

We did not have sex for awhile after, we would talk and fool around, but no sex. Of course eventually it moved on again, and we had sex. My feelings are changing for him, I am not sure how he feels at all, I mean over 8 years, we have never once spoke about that, we talk about other people we have dated and how it doesn’t work out and shit, but never about us. He saw me out once and I was talking to another guy who works with him and he came up behind me and grabbed me to start dancing, I almost took it as a sign of jealousy, but it could have just been coincidence.

I think to myself well if he wanted more wouldn’t he say so? But then again, I have not said a word or hinted to it either, so I am not sure. It’s not like he comes here we jump in bed and that’s it, he plays with the dog, we lay down together and watch tv, he’ll cook for me, we do the whole cuddling thing after, we kiss goodbye, it doesn’t seem like just sex, but I am afraid to say anything, because if he doesn’t want more, I am afraid of loosing him altogether!

I am not insecure, but I think it has just been so long with us this way, it would be weird to have it any other way. I don’t even know how to approach him about it, face to face, I could never do it! But I feel like a coward doing it through an email or anything!

So I guess I need a little advice from someone who doesn’t know us and how we are outside of our friends….what do u think?????
Thanks- Confused

Hi Confused,
I’m not sure exactly what you’re sure of losing here.

You’re seeing a guy, not exclusively, not with any expectations (in his head) and you’re not sure where this will lead?

After 8 years he knows that you’ll be there whenever he wants you!

Despite all best intentions, despite the friendship you have, he’s just not as involved in making the relationship stronger or more committed because he doesn’t have to!!
This is even truer because you don’t ask him!

Now is the time to either shit or get off the pot (to be frank about it).
You need a man in your life that will be a part of your family on a permanent basis. If ‘J’ isn’t the guy now, then you have to decide: him or someone else?

Do you keep things they way they are and hide your unhappiness with the status of your relationship?

Your daughter needs stability, not a part-time-friend-of-mommy’s that comes and goes in her life.

If you’ve gone though one traumatic experience with him (the abortion) and now your inner-self is crying for someone that will love you without conditions attached.

Now is the time to ask him about completing your relationship, making it solid, fulfilling and official through marriage.
If he says no, so be it… move on with your life. Stop letting him use you. You know what you’ll be in for, don’t you?
If he says yes, great, you can start planning a life and a family and a home.

What do you say to him? Be forthright.
“Hi J, I think that it’s time to find out if this semi-relationship is going to get more serious. I want to provide stability and a father for my little girl and I need a man that I can count on full-time to be here with me, married, picket fences, all that.
J, are you this guy?”

But you have to ask.

I honestly feel sorry for the position you now find yourself in.
But now is the time to move forward and live the life you certainly deserve.
Best wishes,